Emotionality. Dark shadows among bright sunrays.
Life is perfect. Work goes well, you have a man who loves you back, you are on the highest social well-being, friends, family, rock’n’roll. “The right moment to establish a family!”. Because everything is like sunshine!
You get pregnant. And everybody suddenly loves you even more. You feel special. Special, because you will be blessed to be a mother of somebody. And special, because everybody makes you feel special. You believe it. Why wouldn’t you? Humanly normal. More normal, than anything else. Hormones are jumping around, nothing is more comfortable, than to accept what the Universe tells you: you are almost a Godess.
Despite the physical issues of pregnancy, you feel HAPPY. Literally, fully, truly H A P P Y. Scared, but happy. Full of hopes of a bright new life. Yours.
You give birth. It hurts. The pain that you did not expect. You could not have expected, as you could not have it imagined. You cry. You are happy. Scared. It’s real now. No way back. Deal with it.
what to do
he is so small
can’t be tired
must be pretty
no time to sleep
this is not right
he’s coming soon
am I still loved
pressure….pressure…pressure. No mistakes. To be a good mother. To be a good wife.
Compulsion for conformity. A new life depends on you. A man’s happiness depends on you.
You don’t realize, that you forget about….yourself.
Myself. Who am I?
Where is the Godess?
Sunrays. Small laughs, big laughs.
Dark walls. What is on the other side? I have no time to check it. I am too tired to go there. Later. I will. Later.
Life starts to spin around a small pack. Small Universe. You are not special anymore. Nobody tells you.
You make mistakes after mistakes. Failure after failure. You live your life talking to a human being who cannot talk back, and on social media…mostly with people you do not know. You do not want to burden your friends with diaper-issues. Your son smiling back at you for the first time is a big thing only for you…not even your husband understands. So you tell it to other mothers who live similar life to yours…because they smile with you. They are happy for you. You do not realize….
this is not real.
This reality….is a dark reality within dark walls. You get so used to it, that it slowly becomes YOUR REALITY. And you resign yourself to it. Not because you decide so. You do not know. Oh God….if only somebody would just tell you…if only you could open your eyes…if only that sunshine would drop some warmth on you…if only those people reached out for you….if only…but you do not know. And nobody says…nobody warns you. You just know not.
And after a certain time, you WILL realize. Then you write it down.
I write it down.
Is it too late? Trapped forever?